Conflict and the Search for Intimacy

"I hate my boss!" This is quite a statement to say, or even to think. And perhaps behind this is something more benign and important – a request for some appreciation or recognition for the work I do. 

 In giving voice to my frustration, I am also protecting the part of me that doesn’t want to feel rejected by a lack of acknowledgement. Perhaps then, it is conceivable to define conflict as a search for intimacy. 

 Most of us have been there. A meeting that turns tense. An email that lands badly. A colleague whose tone feels a little too sharp. In the moment, it’s easy to believe the problem is about what was said, or even who said it. But often, the real issue runs deeper. We all bring to work a set of human needs – to feel respected, valued, included, and heard. When those needs aren’t met, conflict can be the way those needs find their voice. 

 Researchers have found that conflict in the workplace isn’t a single thing. Jehn (1995) breaks it down into task conflict (disagreements about the work), relationship conflict (personal friction), and process conflict (how the work gets done). Each of these plays out differently. Task conflict can actually spark better ideas if handled well, while relationship conflict tends to drain trust and energy (De Dreu & Weingart, 2003). 

 And while we often approach conflict like a problem to be solved, it’s also a mirror reflecting the emotional landscape of team members. Conflict shines a spotlight on things that need attention. Leaders need to be acutely aware of this and to be prepared to have conversations that address it. 

 For those who feel the emotion or anger, perhaps it is a cue to consider: what is this emotion telling me? What is it within me that needs attending to that is being expressed through anger? What do I actually need?  

 At this point a choice emerges: can I share that need or can I attend to that need myself?  

 If I choose to attend to the need myself, I might just turn around the belief: “I hate my boss” into “I am bloody good at what I do.”, And knowing that is enough, for now.